It's reasons like this that make me love Calvin like a nerdy little brother...

*Giving me a ride home*

Me: "You're going to want to turn down this street."
Calvin: "Is that even a street?"
Me: "...yes."
Calvin: "Oh ok, it's just because it's not plowed, I couldn't see it."
Me: "Yeah they don't like us enough in the Ward to plow us."
Calvin: "...I'd plow you."

I actually threw my head back laughing at that comment. Event of the day for me.

Off to see Chad, you know you're jelous.

Excuse Me Mr...
All I Need Is A Little Of Your Time
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 5:08 PM

 
Well, after being inspired by my friend Mike from Fergus (he's special, after school special), I've decided on my New Year's Resolution. Well maybe not resolution, but a goal for next year.

See, Mike managed to get himself banned from the city of Toronto, so this is my resolution...

I am going to get myself banned from the town of Listowel...yes...

Don't ask why, just say "ok Addy" and allow me to be happy with this goal. I'm an odd one I know.

That is all.
- posted by Eddie @ 10:51 PM

 
AH AH AHHHHH OH MY GOD AHHH!!!

I am feeling so much better today, I'm still fucking sick, but much much better emotionally.

Holy fucking best news of the year though....I went down to Stigmata today because Chad dropped the ball on getting an appointment at the Exotic Skin Shop....and....

I AM GETTING MY TATTOOS ON MONDAY JANUARY 2ND AT 7:30PM!!!!!!!!!!!

Holy fuck....I am so excited....I CAN NOT WAIT!!!!

So yes...look for my update on the tattoo experience...should be interesting...

God dammit I love you Chad.

Soon You'll Be
Right Here With Me
MAKING OUT!!!
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 1:31 PM

 
I know that this is the second post today, but right now I have some important issues to get off my chest. You don't have to read this anyway...I just need somewhere to let it out. I know Chad will read it, so that makes me feel a bit better.

Over the last week or so, I do believe I've fallen in my first real slump of ACTUAL depression since maybe...2 years ago? I guess I'm more or less disappointed in myself, disappointed that I can't control my own emotions. Can't control the way I feel or act around certain people. I'm disappointed in myself for allowing things to get this bad inside my own head.

In all fairness, I don't blame this all on myself. I believe there are some people that have contributed to my feelings. Overall though, it's still my fault in the end for letting it get to this point.

So for the first time, rather than be vague and artistic with how I'm feeling, I'm going to just openly say it, word for word, including every single name and event that is neccessary. I'm hoping that by letting Chad read this, it'll help him understand better what's going on with me...because god knows I can't fucking tell him about it in my own words on the phone to save my life. I feel so bad about the way I'm acting that I can't be straight up and tell him, I know what's going on...I just can't bring myself to say it to him. I'm sorry Chad, so hopefully by reading this, it'll make things better. Or worse...who's to say...

It's time for me to admit it to the world...I am overly jelous of basically every girl that my boyfriend interacts with that isn't blood related to him. I can't stand the thought of him being around another girl, with or without me there. When a girl touches him....I want to scream, my skin crawls so bad I feel like I need to take a chemical shower. When he mentions another girls' name, I want to pretend like he never said it, that she doesn't exist. I want to be the only girl in his life.

I know there are a few reasons I feel like this. I hate to pull out the cliché "father issues" card, but I have to. The fact that my dad was absent for about the first 15 years of my life made me crave male attention, made me want to have a strong male figure in my life. I've always relied on my boyfriends to be that figure for me, which is probably a good reason for my attraction to older men as well. This need for male attention made me ignore girls...and ultimately hate them, because I couldn't think of a better reason for my disinterest in them. So that's about it for the childhood portion, now on to more recent events.

The first boy I ever loved (my first real relationship)...cheated on me. Again, cliché I know, but I don't think I've felt a hurt stronger to this day. All the physical abuse I've taken doesn't even measure to the pain of knowing you've been betrayed by someone you loved, and someone that said they loved you. This just added to my hatred for girls, I figured that they couldn't be trusted, considering that 3 of my best girl friends at the time made moves on my boyfriend. I got so sick of all the drama, I couldn't take it anymore. I cut myself off from every girl I knew, and got close with my best friend (who still is today), Cedric. He basically helped me through the best and worst times up until now, something that no one else has ever done for me. This is why I started trusting guys more, and all my friends soon became guys. My hatred for girls grew even more. Compared to these guys who cared about me for who I was, and not for who I was dating, those girls were fucking scum.

I think this is the point where I decided that now, I trust my boyfriend, but I don't trust girls. I thought my boyfriend would always try to say no, but a girl would push and push until she got her way. I still believe this, but only because I've seen it. I guess there are a few things that I believe, and that I'm not ready to let go of.

When I got involved in my second real relationship (Sorry Dave W., but it's hard for me to consider our relationship REALLY real), I was terrified. I was so worried about what was going to happen, wether he would cheat on me too or not, I didn't notice anything else that was going on. I didn't notice the abuse, the neglect, the way he used me. I let myself get ruined and scarred because I was so worried about him cheating on me, betraying me. In the end, it didn't matter, he ended up not even having the fucking balls to break up with me, he just ignored me until I did the dirty deed myself. But again, there were other girls that wanted him, other girls that hit on him. In the end it didn't matter, I got hurt either way, but more and more of this mistrust just built up. The fact that 2 guys that I had spent over a year of my life with both betrayed me for other girls, made me hate the girls. I know I should hate the guys...but the childhood issues made me fucking stupid, and I placed the blame in the wrong place.

So there it is. Laid right out for everyone to see. I am over emotional and jelous, and I can't help it. If I knew how to stop it, and how to make myself not act this way, I would. Because not only does it hurt me, but it hurts my relationship with Chad.

I'm sorry everyone for being this way. I can't believe I let it get so bad. I can't believe I'm to a point where my boyfriend can't talk to his friend alone without me freaking out, getting suspicious, and almost putting my fist through the glass of a vending machine. I can't believe I almost cried when my boyfriend hugged his friend. I can't believe I am this fucked up.

I may not be crazy, depressed or on valium/lithium like some girls, but my god, I am not fucking perfect. I have my head on straight, I know what I want in life and I know how great of a person I am, but there's always going to be that voice embedded in the back of my mind, telling me that it's too good to be true, and that that girl who's "just a friend" is better than me in every way.

I hope this helps you all understand what exactly is going on in my head. I hope you understand now why I hate meeting girls, and why I will ALWAYS despise every girl I meet until I'm given a good reason not to. It's nothing personal, it's just a product of the events in my life.

I'm sorry everyone.

I'm sorry Chad. I really fucking hope you can forgive me for being this way. March is only 4 months away right? God dammit...I've just fucked myself over...I know it...

Sometimes...
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 9:04 PM

 
I KNEW IT I KNEW IT!!

Well, just like every year, I'm now sick. It never fails to come around right when my holidays get underway. I was so happy, I thought I was going to make it to New Year's without getting sick, but no no...God and Karma hate Addy too much to let this 3 weeks off go by without her suffering a little bit. I just suddenly got a terrible headache, my sinuses clogged up, and now I feel terrible. God damn you higher powers....

In other news, my 6 days road trip has nowcome to an end, and I am back in Guelph where I belong. It was pretty good times I must say, spending time with the family (with the exception of my father and the Aunt and Uncle who despise me), and then ending the trip with a 4 day stay in Kitchener with Chad and the Darcy. I can't stress how much I enjoy hanging out with those guys, I CAN NOT wait until this summer, my god.

Chad and I went Boxing Day shopping, which was awesome. He picked up my last 2 Xmas gifts, a pair of camo pants and a matching military hat. Holy shit. 2 things I've wanted for over a year, and Chad loves dressing me up. I was sooooo happy. I havn't stopped wearing the hat since I got it, haha. We also picked up some cheap comics/manga/action figures, considering there were tons of awesome Boxing Day sales on. I also picked up a cool Tool DVD and a VNV Nation Cd, bitchin.

I also showed Chad all the notes/monologues/small scraps of dialogue I've written for my EddiE comic. He was so blown away by it all, I couldn't believe that it was actually that good. He legit thinks I should try to make it into a movie. I must admit, the idea has intrigued me, but I don't think the storyline is good enough, and I wouldn't even know where to start. Whatever, I may just write the script either way, just to have something cool that I've done in my life.

"Hey kids, did you know your mom has a movie she wrote? I'll show it to you when you're 18."

Yes, it's a violent, vulgar, disturbed story, I love it...but I would not allow anyone under 16 to see it.

I'm very lame...I've even started thinking about a soundtrack to go with the movie. I'm a dreamer, I have high expectations of myself...whatever. If you really care, here are some songs I've thrown in so far. It might give you an idea of the mood/tone/setting of the story.

The Noose - A Perfect Circle
Right Where It Belongs - Nine Inch Nails
Breathe - Prodigy
Lust Chance - Skinny Puppy
Counting Bodies Like Sheep To The Rythm of The War Drum - A Perfect Circle
Ticks And Leeches - Tool

Hopefully that gives you a slight idea. Fuck that's a good soundtrack...I'd buy it.

So now that I'm sick...I believe I'm going to have a nice hot shower, get some food, and sit in bed and watch bad TV while I work some more on my comic/movie. I hope so much that I am feeling better by Saturday night, considering I'm heading down to Kitchener to get TUCKER MAX DRUNK with Chad, Darcy and all their insane friends. Then sunday is the big day, Warhed vs. P.D. Flex in a insane 15,000 thumbtacks match. There's still time to buy tickets!! Find me and I'll sell you some!! Just go to the fucking show!! Who are you to resist?

Alright, I'm almost done, one more awesome thing that makes me love Tucker Max even more...

Tucker: "Come over, I want to see you."
Girl: "Tucker, I'm not going to come over and sleep with you."
Tucker: "Well just come over...so we can talk. I want to talk to you...you know, hear about your day."
Girl: "You want to hear about my day? At 3am? Right,"
Tucker [long pause ensues]: "You aren't hot enough to have this much self-respect."

Are You Sure What Side
Of The Glass You Are On?
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 12:56 PM

 
I know I do this every time, but forget my last post...

Maybe not forget, but ignore it for now.

To Jocey: Thank you for the talk, even if it was short. You always help me out, just by knowing that someone out there feels the same way I do. Love Love Love you my bestest female friend, the love of my life. We'll hang out soon and it'll be grand.

As for now...I am off to the LCBO to stock up for New Year's, and then bowling. Fun? I guess? We'll see.

I love Chad....more than anything.

Don't Fret Precious I'm Here
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 6:20 PM

 
I hate this I hate this I hate this

I hate this side of me. I hate the fact that this aspect is always going to be a part of my personality no matter how hard I try to repress it. I've tried for nearly 4 years to keep this side of me buried deep down, but it seems to always rear it's ugly head no matter how good things are going.

It's not what you're thinking, it's not EddiE coming out. EddiE is just anger, this is something much much worse...insecurity and jelousy.

I don't know why it happens. I think Jocelyn took the words right out of my mouth when she said that "she trusts the boy, but doesn't trust the words".

Fucking words that have been said to me too many times before. "She means nothing"..."She's a friend"..."She's an OLD love interest." FUCK I FUCKING CAN'T STAND IT.

Maybe it's the alcohol in me talking right now, since I did down some whiskey to calm myself...but whatever, I'm so fucking angry with myself and depressed right now that I just want to curl up and go to sleep. Let Chad finish keeping Darcy and that girl happy. I'm so fucking sick of myself and feeling this way.

I love myself more than anyone I know...but there's times when I honestly feel like I deserve to be shot in the head for acting this way.
- posted by Eddie @ 7:36 PM

 
Fuck you christmas.

I hate Christmas, seriously. I'm not trying to be all gothic and counter culture here and talk in a monotonous voice (hopefully Chad will laugh at that), but really, I fucking HATE Christmas.

The last week or so has been so overly stressful, trying to get gifts finished and ready for the big day. Fuck that, I hate how I see this family once a year, and yet I still have to buy them something, even though I know NOTHING about what they even like. Fuck it. Next year I'm going along with Chad and celebrating Halloween like Christmas.

So yes, fuck you Christmas...on to the main thing that has been occupying my mind for the last 24 hours or so....

When you have an artistic/obsessive mind such as mine, when you get into a project, it can completely take you over, and it becomes all you think about...all you WANT to think about. After coming up with this idea for my comic, it's all I've been thinking about, and everything I see just walking down the street has given me ideas for the storyline or monologues. Talking to Chad about it is the best. He's so supportive of my ideas, and doesn't tell me that my drawings suck, or that I have stupid ideas.

The scary thing is that Chad and I actually have VERY similar ideas. We have the same dark twisted sense of humour and artistic minds that make us so disturbingly perfect for each other. I love it.

For all those who care, here's a small exerpt (one of my personal faves) that I recently wrote for one of the 1st person monologues in the comic:

"My mother was a smart woman who gave me some of the best advice. She may have been wild, but I'll be god damned if she didn't know what she was talking about.

She once told me that ex-boyfriends were like cockroaches; disgusting little insects that will be around forever. I don't know if you've ever tried to kill a cockroach, but it's not easy. No matter how many legs you pull off, or how many times you step on them, they just don't seem to die.

This couldn't be more true about Dax. No matter how many times I try to step on him, he just never dies.

I know what you're thinking, it could be so easy. Click. Boom. It's over and done with. Well unfortunately, it's not quite that easy. He's the one person they could trace back to me. They would figure me out.

Myabe that's what he wants. His sick fucking way of finally getting back at me. Pushing me to the edge until I snap and paint the walls with his brains. The police get me and it's all over, my work is all for nothing. He'd probably be laughing at me from beyond the grave. Bastard."

Dark? Creepy? Disturbing? Everything I want for my comic. This is going to be THE shit. Also, when I told Chad about my idea, he immediately got the idea to start HIS own comic for Warhed. So my main idea is to somewhat fuse them together, using his character of Warhed in my comic. My god, once the first issue is done, I'm going to pleasure myself while reading it.

Time to work on it some more, I need my fix for today,

This Is A Love Song
Deal With It
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 4:46 PM

 
I've just decided something so awesome that I had to write a second post for today to tell everyone about it.

Remember back at the beginning of the summer when I was starting that webcomic dealie? Well, it never really flew considering a lot of stupid shit went down this summer. I was so wrapped up in heartache and anger at the world that I couldn't get myself in the right state of mind to write my love story for the comic. Also, the characters just didn't feel right. How was I supposed to base the character off myself when I hated myself so much at that point?

Well, good news kids. The comic is back. Not sure just yet if it'll be a webcomic, because I'll have to make up a GOOD website first, and that can take some time, money, and alot of fucking patience. As for right now, it's just a comic. I was watching Burst Angel last night with Chad, and we were talking about what superheroes we would be if we could, and it really got me thinking...

This next comic is going to be based on myself, as per usual, but with a twist. There probably will still be that typical love story involved, but this comic is going to revolve around my alter ego, EddiE, doing what she does best; kicking some serious ass and looking damn hot while she does it.

So while I should be doing some knitting...I'm going to shower, relax, and draw up some GOOD profile pics for the characters. Rest assured that EddiE will look fucking SICK, and obviously have 2 Deagles holstered on her sides...because that's how she rolls.

I neeeeeed to get started on this because I am excited.
- posted by Eddie @ 9:23 PM

 
There's so much I SHOULD be doing right now.

Like..

I should be doing the cadence work sheet for music, but I don't understand it.

I should be writing a mini-presentation on Antoine de Saint-Exupery, but I don't see the point.

I should be studying for my physics test, but I know I'm going to suck it up either way.

I should be finishing knitting some xmas presents for people, but I hate xmas so much I don't want to give any gifts.

Come on Addy, bitch and whine some more on this blog and waste even MORE time instead of sucking it up and getting down to work. Idiot. Baka.

What I WANT to do...

I want to have a really long hot bath.

I want to draw, becuse I have some awesome ideas.

I want to find something fun to do for New Year's.

I want to curl up in bed and watch more anime with Chad.

I generally just want to be with Chad.

Well, time to suck it up and do some really really boring things....lame lame lame.

Other than this though, I'm in a fantastic mood because I woke up next to Chad this morning, and only went to one class. I fucking rule.

Let's Burn The Morning Sweetly
Get Over Here Now And Complete Me
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 8:15 PM

 
Yet another thing I've realized about myself through my travels of life...



"The Addy is a strange creature, one of compulsive behaviour, often very concentrated and calculated. We see her here, on her long walk back to her home. As we can see, she has nothing to distract her, and as such, becomes restless on the long trek. We see her eyes light up, something has caught her attention. The promise of food? Shelter? A mate? No...because the Addy is also an intelligent creature, capable of complex thought. She has found a train of thought that interests her.

One characteristic of the Addy is her habit of delving into deep thought when there is no nearby distraction. This can be harmful to her well-being, as she is easily taken in by this thought, and left unguarded, vulnurable. In this state, she can easily be picked off by predators, or fall into traps laid by poachers. Although normally sly and cunning, the Addy is now a weak and helpless creature."



Yes, as you can see, I've discovered a weakness of mine. While walking home from school today, I had forgotten my ipod at home, and therefor had nothing to keep me occupied. I realized today that well...I should NEVER EVER be without my ipod on long walks or during my spare periods. Any time basically that I'll have time to think. Whenever I find myself in this situation, I try to find a train of thought that interests me to try and pass the time. In doing this however, I tend to OVER think things, my mind just goes a mile a minute....and sometimes this is really not a good thing. I start over-analyzing things, thinking the worst of things...making shit up in my head. It's fucked I tell you, FUCKED.

Today while I was walking home, I started thinking about this summer and how much time I'll be spending with Chad. I was happy for a while thinking about it, but like I said...the over-thinking soon came in, and I saw the worst in everything. About how we'll get sick of each other, it'll be cramped, so on and so on.

I also started thinking about the whole age thing, and how if I spend that mucg time with him, the whole age thing is going to be even worse, because he's going to want to go out the bars, and well...being 17, that's not really something I can do.

So again, over-thinking things...I decided that holy fuck, why the hell do I have to be 2 years older than I am now to enjoy life? I'm so sick of having all this pressure on me right now to "get an ID and come out to bars", to spend so much time with older people, to act older than I am. Am I not allowed to just act like myself? Act like the true teenager I am? What's so fucking good about bars anyway? Sure I would love to go out dancing with Chad, but oh my god, do I really have to go out to fucking bars to have a good time? It just really doesn't seem like my scene in the first place. I hate being with more than like...5 people at one time...I don't know how I would survive in a place like that.

Considering that the same thing was happening with Hogan, it's going on nearly 2 years since I've felt pressured to be acting older, and I'm getting fucking sick and tired of it. I know I may act alot more mature than my age, but that doesn't mean I AM older than my age. I'm still 17, still in high school, and that's not going to change, I don't WANT it to change. I know that ALOT of my last few blogs have been about this subject, but it's something that's seriously been affecting my life for the last 2 FUCKING YEARS, I can't help but think about it pretty much all the time.

So yes, Addy over-analyzes things, what's new?



So we can see that while beautiful, the Addy will always be a secretive and elusive beast, never meant to be captured or domesticated. A free creature with a passion for life and a sixth sense for survival, the Addy remains one of the most sought after unsolved secrets of the animal kingdom."



Oh, one more thing. I just want to thank Phil for helping me with my xmas presents today. I owe that kid BIG TIME for donated his time and talents, I heart you xxxcorexxx Philip.

From Now On I Will Behave
But In The Back Of My Mind I Will Be Enslaved
~Addy

- posted by Eddie @ 3:54 PM

 
"Once I had this dream where I was having sex with this robot girl. My mom walked in on us and was like 'No Phil! You'll get her pregnant!'. So I was like 'It's ok mom, it's a robot.'" -Phil's funniest dream ever

Me: "I don't want you wearing my mask Chris, it'll smell all Italian, like pasta."
Chris: "Ok Addy, just because I'm Italian doesn't mean I have pasta all the time. I havn't had pasta in....days."

"Good job Addy. Now get in the kitchen and make us men some sandwiches." -TVR

Just thought I'd blog those funny quotes before I went to work, considering I'm going straight from work to Kitchener, weeee.

I get to give Chad his xmas presents today, and it makes me happy.

My banana bread is in the oven right now, and it smells so good.

Random random random.

Tell Me The Reality
Is Better Than The Dream
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 10:14 AM

 
No real blog today.

Just saying that today is my 2 month dealie with Chad, and that is swell with me.

Love Welcomes Me To Every New Day
The Stars Are All Falling Down My Way
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 3:34 PM

 
I was just downstairs having some hot chocolate, when I thought of this really funny quote that actually made me laugh out loud.

Chad and I were just about to fall asleep a while ago, and we were talking about some things...

Chad: "I don't know what it is, you just care about me. You keep me togther."
Me: "It's like...I'm the glue on the model airplane that is your life..."
Chad: "...HAHAHA WHAT THE FUCK!?"
Me: "...wow...I'm a fucking idiot."

That reminded me of that note that that guy gave Kenzie in the ninth grade..

"Kenzie,
You are the butter on the english muffin that is my life.
-Mike"

Shit, I should really talk to Kenzie some time. She lives in Waterloo, and I'm in K-town all the time anyway...maybe we could get coffee or something. I think I'm going to get her number from Bobert tomorrow or next week. It would be nice to call her up and talk to her, considering the whole stupid "Zach situation" is water under the bridge.

Ok, that's my goal for next week.

Right now, I have a whole fuck load of knitting to do...and I have to make some banana bread.

Unh Tiss Unh Tiss Unh Tiss
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 4:22 PM

 
An interesting day...

The fun started during second today. Phil and Jason showed up for our spare, and Phil, being the sweetheart he is, brought me and ENTIRE FUCKING CAN of apple juice. I was so happy. I actually managed to drink it all, along with the pudding Phil gave me too, huzzah. It was just general angry-Phil antics that made me laugh for about an hour straight.

At lunch, I got bored, and decided to check out my friend's F.R.O.S.T.Y. tables for something to do. For those who don't know, FROSTY is this big charity event we have at Ross to raise money for poor people at xmas. Anyway, I was hanging out with Zach's table and Jocelyn's table who were side by side. Jocey was selling waffles, and Zach was selling really really gross looking cookies, it was so funny. Zach would yell at just about every person that walked by to buy cookies, and they would all give him a disgusted look. Pure gold.

I'll see if I can remember a few good quotes...

"COME ON BUY SOME COOKIES!! SERIOUSLY!!! Don't buy the waffles...they...they put lots of drugs in them." -Zach

Zach: "Ok, we have one waffle for sale, donated by that table."
Jocey: "You know you want it...it's been in my pants!"

"Come on everyone...cookies...come on....ZACH'S SISTER!! ZACH'S SISTER!!! BUY SOME COOKIES ZACH'S SISTER!!!" -Sam

After a while it got pretty competitive. Both tables were screaming furiously at potential customers walking by. It was insanity. Jocelyn decided it was time for some strategic marketing. She made up a sign for her new sweetened deal.

Here's what the sign said: "For sale: Waffles and Girl-On-Girl Action"

Jocelyn had volunteered to kiss me (without my consent mind you) for any amount of money offered. Whatever, it's not like I havn't done it before, haha. We soon had one potential customer. Here's how that went...

Jocey: "Come on, one dollar and you can see me and Addy kiss. What a deal!"
Brendon: "I don't know..."
Jocey: "Come on!"
Dan: "Yeah, come on man."
Zach: "MAN! IF YOU DON'T DO IT....IT MEANS YOU'RE GAY!"
Brendon: "I guess that settles it."

As you can probably guess, yes, I kissed Jocelyn for a dollar. It was funny. We all laughed and people cheered. I was the center of attention, I was happy.

After lunch, I headed off to hockey. It was an ok bus ride, considering me and Abby were awesome at geography for the whole thing. We spent pretty much half the drive naming the capitals of pretty much every country we could think of. It went a little something like this...

Abby: "What's the capital of....Cambodia?"
Me: "ANGKOR WAT!"
Abby: "YES! WE RULE!!"
Me: "What's capital of...Thailand?"
Abby: "BANGKOK!!!!"
Me: "FUCK YEAH!!"

Oh yes, we were awesome. People were SO fucking annoyed with us. I swear we went through about EVERY country we could think of. The only one we couldn't remember was the capital of Poland. I'll just ask Chad, haha.

The game was shit, considering we lost. The reffing was terrible because it was "local boy" refs. During the last 3 minutes of the game, I got hit harder than I've EVER been hit before in hockey. The stupid part was it was AFTER the whistle, and I wasn't anywhere NEAR their goalie. This fucking HUGE girl just double fucking fisted me (shut up, I know it sounds bad), and I landed so hard and so awkward, I couldn't stand up. It was the first time I've ever not been able to get up after a hit. I just sat there on the ice, feeling like I was going to throw up, it was terrible, and my elbows BOTH hurt now, it fucking sucks.

But things are ok now. Abby called the girl a coward after the game and it made me smile. I love Abby.

As for the rest of my night. I plan on finishing up the drawing I'm doing for Chad, and putting the finishing touches on one of his xmas presents. Hopefully he'll give me a call tonight after work to let me know how his CT scans went. I worry about that boy too much. I can't help it, I love him dearly.

I'm so sick of these crackers...why did I eat the whole box?

I Pick Things Up
I Am A Collector.
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 6:16 PM

 
It's official....

I make the best scrambled eggs in the world.

Sometime even I can barely believe how awesome I am.
- posted by Eddie @ 7:51 PM

 
TIME FOR A VERY RANDOM BLOG!!!

I had hockey practice today. It was very very lame because only about 7 people showed up, and since I'm the loner of the team, I ended up running all the pairs drills with one of the coaches. L-A-M-E. At least I get out of school early tomorrow for hockey.

Chad gave me the best idea for prom. Seeing as how I'm making my own dress for the occaision, I'm going to make it backless and get a corset piercing done. Don't know what a corset piercing is? Two rows of rings down my back with ribbon threaded up through the rings like a corset. Ouch? Yes. Hot? FUCK YES! The only thing is, there are 2 ways to get them done.
1. Get it done with normal rings. It's cheaper, but you only leave it in for maybe a week or 2.
2. Get it done with special surface jewelry. Much more expensive, but stays in for much much longer.
I can't decide what to do. Leave me comments with what you think.

I'm starving, and have the BIGGEST craving for the chinese food Chad and I always get. We have our "Chaddy special" that is awesome, and we usually sit and watch wrestling while we eat. We rule.

I don't want to do my physics assignment.

I want to see Chad.

I want more cake.

I warned you, random.

Minä lempia Chad.

By the way...
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 6:30 PM

 

Time for an xcorex update. I know I should have tons of quotes, conisdering it's been a while..but for some reason, my mind is utterly blank. Whatever, I'm not here to entertain you. And I know you're all dying to know what that FUCKED UP picture is, and I assure you I will explain....in time.

Well I had an interesting weekend. So I might as well give you the DL on all that happened. Again, a long post, fairly be warned be thee says I.....yarr.

Friday: School as usual, and work as usual. Afterwards I headed over to Jocey's for awesome drunk Addy-Jocey fun. We dyed our hair to start out the evening. Because we're idiots, we decided we didn't need to use gloves. We're far too xcorex for that, plus HMSK doesn't roll that way. Sadly enough, my hands are still a little pink as I'm typing this. It was worth it, considering Jocelyn and I were hot, matching bitches.

We headed ova' to Short Stop to get some delicious food, got cranberry Gingerale and fat free pringles (yes, because we're like that), and headed back, intent on getting fucked in half drunk. We poured drinks, Jocey called PJ, and we drank while talking to Phil and watching Dragonball GT. Wierd thing was, I just couldn't put the alcohol away that night for some reason. I had one drink that I nursed so hard the entire time, but Jocey pounded them back like a champ. She got pretty drunk while I took some pictures and wrote alot on her door. After she was done talking to PJ we took a hell of a lot of pics, then I decided I should skidaddle because she had to work early.

I love walking home semi-drunk at midnight.

Chad gave me a call when I got home, and he had been drinking too. Kinda funny considering he was slurring his words so badly and rambled and made NO SENSE. Oh well, it was good stuff anyway. I soon fell asleep in my clothes for some reason....

Saturday: Work, boring. It was my last day working with J...so that was something.

I made my way to K-town, met up with Chad, and we walked back to his place. We hung out with Darcy and watched TV, talked about wrestling, ate pasta, so on and so on. Darcy went out to the bar and Chad and I got to spend some nice quality time together, which is awesome because like I said, I see him once a week. Chad told me that he wanted to give me my xmas presents early. I couldn't say no because he's so adorable and can't wait to give me presents. He got me 2 pairs of cute little undies. One was brown and camo, the other was black with a pink belt-thingy. Both fit really well, looked hot on me, and were super awesome and comfy. I've never actually had a guy give me underwear before, it ruled. We fell asleep later on, something really stupid happened. I won't go into detail because I'd rather just forget about it. Let's just say, I'm glad I was there, and I hope I never ever see Chad like that again.

Sunday: We headed up to Tilsonburg for the wrestling show. Darcy's match was first. Pretty entertaining I must say, Darcy is pretty funny even when he's beating the shit out of someone. He managed to knee drop Paul in the nuts at least 5 times, hilairity. Although I honestly know nothing about wrestling, I could seriously tell that the team Darcy was working really wasn't that good. I was a little worried about Darcy, which is wierd considering what Chad was about to got through.

Chad's match was next. There was this deal where Chad's opponent ran in and took out Darcy and his tag partner, so on and so on. It was pretty cool, because I actually recognized Warhed's entrance music when he walked down to the ring, I felt like a super fan. The entire match went pretty well. Even though it's the third time I've seen Chad wrestle, I'm still amazed every time at the things he can do. So at the end, Manhattyn (Warhed's opponent) pulled out the "present" that Warhed has brought, which turned out to be a fucking barbed wire whip. Needless to say, Warhed got the fuck whipped out of him, all over his back, chest, arms, ribs, everywhere. I was a little scared to be honest, but like I've said before...I trust Chad, he knows his limits. So there's the explaination for the picture up there. That's Chad's back after the match. Fucked? Let's go with HELL YES. Think that's cool? Come to his match on January 1st in Cambridge, I guarantee it'll be one of the most fucking insane things you've ever seen. I have tickets for sale, so come talk to me if you want to go.

During the next match, one of the refs told me to go back and see Chad in the back, so he could tell me he was ok. We spent the rest of the time at the show just hanging out in the back, talking to the wrestlers, man it was so so fun.

We got dropped off later on at Chad's xmas work party, but unfortunately it was already over when we got there. I didn't mind too much, I didn't even care about walking, but Chad seemed pretty pissed off. I wish I could've made him feel better, but I guess sometimes it's just better to let people deal with things on their own.

We headed back home after and showered, hung out, watched TV, fun fun. We had our last little intimate time (which got rid of Chad's headache and bitterness, fuck yeah), and fell asleep.

So that brings us to today. I took the bus home as I always do, went to school, and now I'm back here. I have to be honest about something. This morning when I was about to get on the bus, I nearly broke out into tears. I realized this morning that it's nearly been 2 months since me and Chad started dating, and I guess I'm falling back into "long-term relationship Addy". I'm so used to being in long relationships, I was having a lot of trouble being single, being alone all during the summer and fall. I felt like I was never going to meet anyone who wanted to be with me. That I might as well give up and just stop trying to meet nice guys, because they would never exist to me as more than friends. When I met Chad, I knew something was going to come out of it, but I just wasn't sure exactly what. Now that it's been a while, I know that this is going to last for quite some time, I know this is going to work.

So why did I almost cry this morning? Well, I guess it's just because I wish that I could be with Chad the way most people get to be with their boyfriend or girlfriend. I wish I could be able to call him sometime during the week and say "hey, do you want to come over and watch a movie?" or "hey there's a show downtown, wanna check it out?" or even "hey do you feel like going out for something to eat?". It's like, everything we do has to be planned, and I wish it didn't have to be that way. People bitch and complain about their boyfriends and girlfriends all the time, but they don't realize how lucky they are to have someone so close to them. I love Chad with all my heart, and I'm willing to do pretty much anything to see him and spend time with him, I'm just trying to adjust to the long-distance thing still. I want to be able to take him for granted...as bad as that sounds, I mean it in a good way. I want to be able to KNOW that I'll see him soon.

On the good side, I was thinking today while daydreaming (like I always do in class) about how great this summer and next year are going to be. This summer I'm planning on trying to find a job in Kitchener, just for the summer, and maybe moving in with Chad. It would only be for a couple of months because I have to go back to school next year for one semester, but still, I can't even imagine how amazing it would be to have basically our own place (with Darcy and all, but I love Darcy too). It would just be so nice to be able to actually come home to someone, and have them be wanting to see you, it just seems so great. I know it's a far away thing to think of, but that's how confident I am in this relationship right now.

As for right now...I'm going to go eat..and then have some cake. Awesome.

The Stars Are All Falling Down My Way
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 3:49 PM

 
Update:

Jocelyn and I have agreed to hang out on friday. We'll hang, chill, talk, and maybe cry a little. We'll get drunk of course, hopefully this time I won't throw up on myself.

Thanks for making my life better Jocey. I love you like a sexy sister.
- posted by Eddie @ 9:50 PM

 
Something is bothering me. Chad said something tonight on the phone that really got to me.

We were talking about how it's kind of lame that we only see each other once a week, but it's ok, considering we both sort of have things we need to do. He has wrestling and work, I have school and hockey. It works out that we see each other for about 2 days a week, it's ok.

However, he was saying how he doesn't really see his friends much anymore, and I don't really either. I have good reason, considering Tommy and Travis always working, Derek has the baby, Jocey has Phil and her acting, and my school friends...well...there's usually just not alot going on with them that I really want to do. Same with Chad. He is working alot, and he tells me that bars aren't really his thing, which is what his friends mostly want to do (from what I understand).

Chad told me that Darcy said he should "take a weekend off from Addy" and spend some time with his friends. I know it's a good idea, and Chad does need to see his friends, but there's something about the whole stigma of spending "too much time" with your boyfriend or girlfriend that really gets to me. What's wrong with spending so much time with a boyfriend or girlfriend? Seriously, no one says ANYTHING if 2 best friends hang out all the time, how does dating someone make it any different?

I hate to sound selfish, but when I heard Chad say that, I got angry. Seeing Chad is basically the highlight of my week, and I hate that it's only on weekends that I see him, but there's not really anything I can do about it. I'm sorry everyone that I'm only 17 and can't go out to bars like you all want to. I'm sorry I can't do everything you want me to be able to do, I'm sorry I'm not good enough. Maybe I should just fuck off and leave Chad alone so he can hang out with his legal aged friends all the time whenever he wants to. I'm sorry I'm "stealing" Chad away from his friends, I'm sorry he wants to spend time with me, and I'm sorry that we make each other happy.

Back to my point from before. I seriously don't see what's wrong with spending so much time with a boyfriend or girlfriend. If your relationship is good, and healthy, and makes you happy, why shouldn't you? I consider Chad to be my best friend as well as my boyfriend, and I enjoy spending time with him. It's not like all we do is sit around being touchy feely or having sex, we actually do things...like go places and stuff.

When Cedric and I were best friends, we would hang out nearly every day. We would spend weekends together and hours and hours on end just hanging out. Why didn't anyone tell me this was wrong? Why didn't anyone say that I should leave Cedric alone to hang out with other people? How is this any fucking different (apart from the sex)? I would MUCH rather have maybe...2 or 3 close close friends, and Chad, than have a whole bunch of so called lame "friendships". Why is it so wrong for me to be close with a small number of people? Do I need to have a huge network of friends to be happy in life?

I'm not saying that I'm burning bridges with my friends, I still talk to alot of my friends at school and everything, but it's just that there are only a certain number of people that really share my interests, and that I can stand to be around for more than a few hours. I just don't see why people look down upon those of us who are in relationships who actually enjoy being with our significant other.

A good example is Jocey and are I right now. Jocelyn knows I love her to death, and I love hanging out with her. But she also understands that I love Chad dearly too, and I only see him once a week, so she is happy to let me go see him when I get the chance. Same way she is with Phil. I love hanging out with Jocelyn, but I can talk to her at school and call her up whenever I feel like it. She and Phil go to different schools, and live far away from each other, so when she wants to hang with PJ, for fuck sakes, I want her to go and be happy, have a good time. I don't understand how people can be so rude and lay such guilt trips on people for wanting to be with someone they love.

And just to make things even worse, the same people that complain about never seeing someone because of the girlfriend situation...when they are finally asked to hang out, say no for some stupid reason (usually out of spite). People don't know how to swallow their pride and just accept some things the way they are.

Right now, as it stands, I would be completely happy in life if I had Chad, Jocelyn, Phil, my "nighttime friends" (as Derek once said), and a few of my boys from school. That's about 7 people in total. Why you ask? I don't know, it's just the way I am. You think it's stupid? Fuck you, I don't care.

So I'm going to do my homework right now, because I am 17, still in high school, and nothing is going to change that. Anyone who thinks I spend too much time with Chad can go fuck themselves. I love him, and I will always put his hapiness first, I would never do anything to hurt him.

I'm the Better of Two Evils
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 8:41 PM

 
So what's new....

Nothing, that's what. Well, I played hockey today, we tied, and I ruined my arm. Not very exciting, but at least it's something.

Umm, let's see. Chad got more added to his tattoos yesterday. I havn't seen it yet, but I'm sure it looks fucking hot as always. I'm so jelous of his tattoos. But on the good side, for xmas, my mom decided that my present will be her allowing me to get my tattoo. I have so many designs drawn up and decided on, there's so much I want, because I need to go big or go home. Chad is being my voice of reason and telling me which ones to get, and which to wait on. What a sweet boy.

Speaking of Chad, I've been a little down because our time together has been drastically cut back. He's working 7 days a week, plus he has a whole ton of stuff on his plate with wrestling, so he just has other priorities.

I think I need to talk about this a little....

A few people have asked me if it's hard to keep a relationship going when you see each other the little amount that me and Chad do. I usually just reply..."no". See, Chad has a life, I'm not his life. I don't want to be his life. I want to be part of his life, but I want him to put other things before me. I want him to put his work, music, friends and wrestling before me. I am only one person, I do not hold the importance of dreams and friendships that have been worked on for years and years. I love the fact that Chad actually does things with his time instead of sitting around doing NOTHING like some of my past boyfriends. While I may not see him as often as I'd like, I see him enough, and he always calls me to tell me he loves me. I'm prefectly fine with how things are, plus winter break is coming up, and you can bet there will be a few days out of town for Addy.

So yeah, I love Chad. No time apart or distance will change that. Go fuck yourselves. I'm feeling angry suddenly.

I'm hungry, and feel like knitting and being a myspace whore. Later kids.

Much Like Suffocating.
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 9:04 PM

 
"*insert something funny/stupid here....and repeat it about 100 times*" -Me last night, apparently

So after a few weeks of being good clean sober Addy...last night seemed like a good time to put an end to such nonsense. In other words, I got drunk..fucking drunk....Tucker Max drunk. T'NT took me out on a company field trip to the LCBO and got me some delicious FINNISH VODKA, HOLY!! So Chad and I indulged ourselves with some Fanta and vodka, and I of course followed with my beer chasers. I don't remember much that happened, I remember the cat chewing on my foot at one point in the night. I also remember falling over in the bathroom a few times, I have a tendancy to hit my head and fall over a lot when I drink.

Chad told me a few funny things that I did. I apparently repeated everything a lot, usually something stupid or funny, and he took pictures of me when I was basically passed out in his chair, ass. Also, something happened that wasn't really normal for me, I actually fucking threw up from drinking. What the hell! I've never thrown up while drinking, never. The worst part is that it mostly all over myself, and Chad's clothes I was wearing...and Chad.

I also apparently told Chad a few times how "I was so embarassed" and "didn't deserve to be his girlfriend", now I don't remember alot, but yeah, sounds like something Drunk Addy would say. I only really have 3 regrets from last night. 1. Chad went...unsatisfied because I couldn't move enough to help him get his rocks off. I'll make it up to him today. 2. I threw up, enough said. 3. Chad was wearing his camo shorts (which are the fucking hottest thing ever) and I don't even remember it. Maybe I'll convince him to wear them when he gets home from work.

So as you've all probably guessed, I'm in Kitchener right now, waiting for Chad to finish work, so I'm killing some time here. Right now, their cat Chloe is in heat, so she's being overly affectionate, and not as crazy and bitey and clawey as she normally is. She's laying in front of me right now and being all cute. I want a kitty.

Ok, Darcy just got home, I've gotta jet.

~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 8:28 AM

 
How is it that no matter how angry you are, how much you hate the world at the moment and just wish you could knock someone's teeth out....the sound of your love's voice will always calm you down and make you realize that everything is ok?

Look at my last post. Look how angry I was.

Well, Chad just called me. I feel now like I could go hug some strangers. I am so calm and happy, I have no idea how he does it.

To top off this feeling...I'm going to have a nice hot shower, get some chocolate, then curl up in bed and watch anime while finishing sewing some clothes.

I FUCKING LOVE YOU CHAD!

BND
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 8:09 PM

 
Last night after going oout for some food with Stephen, Chad gave me a call like he always does. He apparently had a huge headache, was scared about his CAT scans, and generally was just feeling pretty fucking low. He asked if I could come down to see him, just for the night. How could I say no? I jumped on the next bus down to Kitchener and did my best to make him feel better. I'm pretty sure it kind of worked, hopefully. He seemed in a way better mood when I left this morning. I can't stand to think of him being unhappy. There are times when I honestly feel like I would rather die than have him feel one ounce of pain. I'm over-emotional that way.

When I was over at Chad's, one of his female friends gave him a call. This girl has been just using Chad as sort of her own personal shrink for the past few months or so, and it's even starting to piss me off. I've had "friends" like that before, and I know how annoying it can be. So Darcy decided to intervene before the conversation got out of hand, and it's reasons like this why I love Darcy like a brother.

Chad: "Oh...yeah....ok...yep..."
Darcy: "OH MY GOD! ADDY ARE YOU OK?! HOLY SHIT DUDE! SHE TOTALLY JUST FUCKING FELL DOWN THE STAIRS!! HOLY SHIT!! DUDE GO SEE IF SHE'S OK!! OH MY GOD!!"
Chad: "Uh...yeah everything's ok, but I better go."

I could barely breathe because I was laughing so hard.

One more quote from last night that was funny...

Chad: "I wish Darcy hadn't told everyone I made the bear myself."
Me: "You should've said you were making it while doing something really hardcore."
Chad: "Haha, yeah...'I made it while bungee jumping, and I had the rope tied around my neck!!'"

As for how I'm feeling right now.

I'm not in a fantastic mood right now. We lost at hockey, and I'm pissed off. Not so much because we lost, but because my dad was such an asshole about it. It wasn't "oh don't worry, you did well, it's ok"..it was "yeah they were way better than you, you guys didn't stand a chance. Addy you need to work on face-offs more because that's sort of where the game was lost." Like fuck, honestly, if we lose at hockey, I don't fucking care, and I don't want to hear about it. Plus I got knocked the fuck out behind my own net and hit my head REALLY hard, and I'm still feeling really dizzy from the hit. I'm a little scared, I've had a concussion before and it sort of feels the same way. Fuck.

Also, I'm an idiot and need to learn to stay out of people's LJ's sometimes. Being the over-protective idiot I am, I went to the LJ of the girl Chad was supposed to meet yesterday. I was reading it, and just about every post was something like "I wish Chad would call me" or "I miss Chad, it's been over a month" or "I can't wait to see Chad again". Fuck, is it bad of me that my blood just boils after reading things like that? Maybe it's just because I'm in a bad mood. I'm not worried, just pissed off that girls don't fucking know when to let go. Girls are such fucking whores that they never care if a guy is taken, they just go for him no matter what because they only care about themselves. FUCK YOU GIRLS. I renounce myself as being female. I'm going to start taking testosterone pills.

FUCK I'M IN AN ANGRY MOOD. I WANT TO BREAK SHIT. FUCK WHERE'S PHIL WHEN I NEED HIM.

THIS POST ENDED REALLY BADLY AND I CAN'T STP TYPING IN CAPS BECAUSE I'M SO ANGRY. EDDIE HAS ARRIVED FUCKERS.

SPIT IT OUT
~EddiE
- posted by Eddie @ 4:33 PM