While I would LOVE to recount my awesomely fun and amazing adventures I had with Chad this weekend in K-W, there's a situation on my mind that I really need to vent about. I'll get to the rediculous cooking and bus stories another day.

So here goes...

Let's face it...we are all attention whores, in one way or another. I admit it, I love attention, and so does everyone else. It can come in different forms, getting recognition for something. With girls, it's usually getting recognized for our looks, because we're shallow humans, obviously. And I will admit it, I enjoy being looked at, I enjoy being in front of lots of people. It's just the way we all are. So here's my issue...

I mentioned this a little in some earlier posts, but didn't go into much detail, so I'll elaborate a little about this whole "ring girl" dillema I'm having.

Essentially, Chad wants me to be a ring girl at at least one of his upcoming shows.. His description of a ring girl is this: I walk out with a wrestler, maybe holding a sign, walk around for a minute or so, then take the wrestler's gimmicks and walk to the back. Seems simple enough? Hell, it sounds like a downright fun gig to me. Like I said, we're all attention whores, and this is a great way to get attention, considering playing music or acting isn't exactly in my cards these days.

But there's always a catch.

The first thing is the most obvious....it's wrestling. I don't know how many people have ever watched wrestling, or even been to shows...but the girls in wrestling are...how should I put it....typical? Someone once explained to me the initial appeal of wrestling to guys in the first place. It's apparently a guy's fantasy world (Chad is probably going to hate me for this). A fantasy world because 1. All the guys are huge and buff, and every problem is resolved through violence....2. All the girls are beautiful, sexy, sassy girls with gigantic tits etc...

In my eyes...I already don't fit in. So I think to myself..."well, Chad doesn't really fit in either, maybe I'll be ok!" And there's one argument semi taken care of.

But then...I find out that there's going to be alot more girls than I expected. At first, Chad told me it was going to just be me and Missy (a friend of Chad's who's done some modeling, I'm pretty cool with her), but then suddenly, there's 4-5 and even 6 girls that are doing this. Argh, people who know me, know that I do NOT mesh well with other girls. I get shy, drawn back, and end up being the outsider. This isn't exactly what you want when you're trying to present yourself to a crowd. I'm worried I'll have no charisma, no presence when I walk out there, due to the fact that I'm going to be surrounded by girls...attention whore girls. Fun...

And then the worst part of it all. The other day, Chad showed me a picture of one of the other girls who is going to be doing this whole ring girl thing. I'll give you a quick run-down of her...
-Tall
-Blonde
-Legs up to her face
-Huge tits
-White cleavage shirt and black mini skirt
-Heels

Hmm....and now a comparison to me
-Short
-Dyed black hair
-Stubby un-modelish legs
-No tits
-Layers upon layers of clothes
-Skater shoes

Who do you think the people are going to be yelling at, looking at, and all around just enjoying more.

I'll give you a hint...it's not the second one.

I'm not trying to get all down on myself right now. It's not like I'm saying I'm not attractive, because fuck, I know I'm hot. It's just, I appeal to a different type of people. I appeal to Chad, maybe some guys I know, but not your typical person who comes to a wrestling show to see the next Trish Stratus. I'm just seeing things from a very objective view.

Last night, Chad took a bunch of pictures of me "modeling" some of the new shirts he got made up for the PWA. A few were just of me standing around wearing a nice babydoll, and then some others were of me wearing a large men's shirt...just the shirt. As I was looking through the pictures, I realized how much better I like the ones of me in the babydoll. I just CAN'T be that girl that shows herself off and KNOWS how much the guys want her. It's just NOT in me. Chad told me to "act", shake my ass to the guys and act sassy...but I can't. It goes against every moral fibre in my body to act like one of those stupid fucking girls I've always made myself avoid being.

So now...on to my conclusion of this huge long post.

I suppose I'm still torn as to wether or not I'm going to be doing this ring girl thing. If I'm supposed to dress like the girl I saw on the website, and be like THAT, then there's no FUCKING way in HELL I'm doing it. I want so badly to do it for Chad, be involved in the thing he loves most, but there are some values I have, that I just cannot sacrifice. I do WANT to do this, but only if I can be myself, be Addy. Maybe I'll dress up a little (I hate dressing up), but if I can wear something that suits me, and act like myself, I want to do it. But there's still the issue of how I'll be compared to the other girls if I act like myself....

I don't know what I'm going to do. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but I guess it struck a chord with me that goes way deeper than just "being a ring girl".

Go figure.

Please give me advice, I need it so bad.

Tried to save myself
But myself keeps slipping away
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 3:11 PM

 
I was proud of myself yesterday. I had just about the wittiest moment of my life. Zach had come to school wearing this really hilairious shirt (tight plaid thing), and I was determined to make some sort of remark about it....

Zach: "Yeah! Legally Blonde! I just watched that the other day."
Jocey: "With Courntey?"
Zach: "No, with my mom, and then I went to Coutrney's and watched it there."
Me: "So...did you pick up that shirt on the way?"

AHHHH SNAPZ!!

I'm sorry I havn't updated this bitch lately. Something awful happened with me and Chad this week...and I'd kind of just like to forget that this week ever happened. Luckily though, we got through it, as I knew we would.

Chad and I are the best. We get through everything. No one can stop us, we're like the fucking transformers against the decepticons...WE ALWAYS PREVAIL.

And, Chad leaves me nice messages on MSN to wake up to...yay!

I've also been horribly horribly sick all this week. It's just fading now, and I can still hear just a slight wheezing in my chest when I breathe. It was pretty bad, and the worst part was that I has to drink 2 litres of extra pulp orange juice, because Chad told me it would make me feel better. The good part is that he was right, the bad part was I had to drink orange juice. G-ross.

Now...time for breakfast and some DELICIOUS french vanilla coffee...mmmmm!

THIS IS A VIOLATION!
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 9:55 AM

 
*cough cough*....

RANDOM BLOG!!

I am DOPEY from my X-TREME cough medicine. No no, it's not what you think.

I actually am sick...Mike...*cough*

My throat hurts.
- posted by Eddie @ 9:47 PM

 
"Yeah, I told the girls to watch out for you because you're a jerk." -Hayley...god dammit she rules

"Metaphysics is like the old dirty blanket of philosophy that you carry around forever that smells like death. And ethics is the new, washable blanket you got for christmas. And you put the old blanket away in your closet in a bag for like 15 years, and then you find it again and you want to see it, but everyone's like 'DON'T OPEN THE BAG!'....not that that's ever happened...to me..." -Mrs. Maclean going on an insane rant...

This weekend was a ton of fun. Chad's mom is on vacation for 2 weeks, so I went over and spent Saturday and Sunday night with him. Much fun had making food (breakfast burritos, brownies, and KD with hot dogs), and also walking around to random stores and getting strange comments from people on the street. Allow me to elaborate...

Chad was wearing this one toque he has, that says "Sinister" on it, and has 2 big horns on it. We got 3...yes 3 comments from strangers on it in probably less than 30 minutes.

1. *Chad and I are walking down the street and some lady walks by with her kids."
Lady: "Hey...you horny or something? HAHA!!"
Chad: "Um..."
Lady: "I uh...I like your hat is all.."

2. *We walk into a convenience store. The lady working starts laughing HYSTERICALLY*
Chad: "Uh..."
Lady: "Oh my goodness...I'm sorry I thought was seeing things!"

3. *We go to buy something at another store*
Lady working: "Oh my goodness, I kid you not, I just read a magazine article about someone who said they were growing horns out of their head!"
Chad: "Uh..."
Lady: "Yeah! They were saying how they needed to go to a special doctor and everything!"
Chad: "Yup...seems like everyone likes this hat..."

So after that adventure of trying to find unsweetened baking chocolate, Chad and I made brownies that looked like they were from a fucking magazine, fuck yeah. We watched X-Men 2 (X-men United, bitches), and a hell of alot of Fear Factor (the good one, when they still let ugly people on the show).

In other news, today was pretty much my last game of hockey ever. We lost in school hockey, so we're done, and the city is on strike, so no stupid house league. Wierd...I'm done...never playing in a real league again....WOOOO FUCKING HOOOOO!!!! I cannot stress how happy I am! No more fucking pressure and "team dynamics" bullshit. Awesome awesome awesome. Hang up #9 because I am DONE!

And now....time to give myself a facial. Yeah...I said facial...wanna fight about it?

God is dead
And no one cares
If there is a hell
I'll see you there
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 4:39 PM

 
Just a couple things before I get ready for work...

-Last night was seriously FUCKED UP. My sister's stupid boyfriend called countless times beteween 1:30am and 3:00am, despite all the times I picked up the phone and screamed obscenities at him. Also, my sister tried to get into my room at about 4:00am...and I seriously thought someone was coming in to kill me. When I opened the door, she promptly ran away.
Me: "Kirsten...what the hell do you want?"
Kirsten: "uwah?...oh...nothing..."
FUCKED. Needless to say, I got no sleep all night. Hurrah!

-I havn't gone to school for the last 3 days. I have excuses for all days...but for some reason, I feel like I'm still going to get in trouble. Bah, whatev.

-My back is FUCKED. I hurt it in hockey, and it's just getting worse and worse. I worked at the brewery yesterday, nothing hard, just loading bottles, and my back hurt so much I had to leave early. I hate this.

-I realized that I have started soooo many clothing projects over the last month or so, and I JUST finished ONE the other day. I start too many things without finishing them. Boo. However, I like all the clothes I've been making, yay!

-I get to stay over at Chad's tonight!

-I don't like getting in the middle of people's "situations".

-I'm cold!

Someday I will walk away and say...
"You disappoint me"
Maybe you're better off that way
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 10:46 AM

 
Well, my eyebrow piercing has officially gotten infected.

Yesterday I noticed this huge bulge right next to the entrance of the piercing. It looked somewhat harmless, but I decided it was worth checking out. Being the idiot I am, I took a pin and popped it. GROSS. This huge amount of disgusting pus and blood came out. I nearly puked, seriously.

I took the jewellery out, and cleaned it thouroughly with some salt water, pain! I put some new jewellery in it this morning, but looking in the mirror now, it looks really really dumb. I think I'm going to take it out now and let the piercing grow in. It was a good idea at the time, but it really hurts right now, and I'm starting to realize how stupid it looks. Everyone and their dog has their eyebrow pierced. You're lame Addy.

Maybe I'll get an anti-eyebrow later on in life.

This is the first piercing I've taken out. It's kind of sad.

R.I.P piercing #13

Come back to me
Come back to you
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 7:09 PM

 
I realize that this song is from a guy to a girl...but the right person will understand the meaning...

She shines
In a world full of ugliness
She matters
When everything is meaningless
Fragile
She doesn’t see her beauty
She tries to get away
Sometimes
It’s just that nothing seems worth saving
I can’t watch her slip away
I won’t let you fall apart
She reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by
Hoping someone can see
If I could fix myself I would
But it’s too late for me
I won’t let you fall apart
We’ll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide
I’ll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side
But they keep waiting
And picking
It’s something I have to do
I was there, too
Before everything else
I was like you
- posted by Eddie @ 5:40 PM

 
The world is full of assholes.

I can't even stress how FUCKING PISSED OFF I am right now. I think the only comparison would be to Chad, because his rage is the exact reason I'm so fucking angry.

I guess it goes like this. Someone makes Chad angry, Chad gets really really upset and flies off the handle, so he calls me and tells me about it. Basically the whole conversation is me begging Chad to calm down and not put his fist through the wall. I'm terrified, seeing as how the person I love is so angry that they want to hurt themselves in any way they can. He's in tears, saying that everything is wrong, and I'm pleading with him to trust me that everything is going to be ok.

I'm in a completely fucking different city, what the hell am I supposed to do in this siuation?

I have no idea what to do right now. I am SO scared of how Chad is going to handle himself at work. I don't want him to hurt himself, get fired, hurt anyone else....FUCK.

All I want to do is email this person and tell them to FUCK THE HELL OFF and leave Chad alone, but I'm worried that if I do that, Chad's going to get even more heat for "having his girlfriend stick up for him"....bullshit. Chad doesn't need this, and he sure as hell doesn't deserve this. I can't believe people can be so fucking greedy and materialistic that they're willing to exploit their friends to earn some cash.

Oh yeah, this whole dispute is about money...obviously. Can't people just fucking move on from financial situations like this!? JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

I just want to jump on the next bus to Kitchener and find Chad at work, hug him as tight as I can and tell him that everything really is going to be ok. I know things will work out, I just wish he would believe me.

FUCK.

I won't let you fall apart.
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 4:30 PM

 
Here's my deal when it comes to hockey...
-I don't care if I get so exhausted by the end of the game I can't stand
-I don't care if I don't play well, people are allowed to have off-days
-I don't care if I lose
-I don't care if I get yelled at by my coach
-I don't care if I get hit (as long as it's not from behind)
-I don't care if I get tripped, slashed, hooked, whatever
-I don't care if I fall 10 seconds into my first shift, and completely ruin my entire right arm/shoulder

however...

-I DO care, when people like Amanda Craig try to tell me how to play hockey, especially when I've been playing for 14 FUCKING YEARS!!

Argh, it just pisses me off soooooo much when people on my own fucking team give me sass when I apparently do something wrong, fuck off, I hate you.

Other than that, I'm in a good mood. Chad has been down this weekend and is coming back tonight! Yay! I have a lot of homework to do before he gets here though....so...later.

Step Away from the window.
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 4:26 PM

 
What is wrong with me?? I am NOT depressed, whiny, emo or anything else. So why the fuck have I been feeling like this all week? This isn't Addy...Addy is happy, carefree and doesn't give a fuck about how she is seen by others. Am I being posessed by some whiny headcase bitch? Most likely yes.

I feel...
-Nervous
-Angry
-Jittery
-Insecure
-Irritable
and more than anything else...
-Ugly as fuck

It seems that as of last night, my self esteem has crashed and burned faster than a plane on 9/11 (oooooh edgy comparison). The whole "ring girl" thing made me look at myself closely, and compare myself to other girls. I'm not a model. I am not the model type. I cannot model.

I'm not even good-looking in ANY way in my own eyes right now.

I don't feel good enough to present myself to a crowd (no matter who may be in that crowd Chad!). I'm just....shy little Addy. I don't dress up, I don't try to impress, and I sure as hell don't have the confidence to show myself off in that way.

A good thing though. I get to see Chad tomorrow after about a week of seperation. Hopefully being with the person I love more than anything will help me feel better, because it usually does. Maybe he'll help me get back to regular, confident Addy, because deep down I know that I'm beautiful in my own way...I'm just having trouble seeing it right now.

Please let it be tomorrow right now....

...did it work?

...dammit.


Magic's in the makeup
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 11:36 PM

 
"Yeah sorry I'm late. A bunch of chinchillas got loose in my house this morning and I had to catch them all before I left." -Graham Schmalz's excuse for showing up late to my philosophy class, priceless

OOOk, what is going on in Addy's life? Sadly not much, except for a ton of homework. All of my classes are a ton of writing, so that's all I've been focussing my time on really. Lame I know, but I've still been working on my clothes to some extent, so that's good.

Um, working out alot, good. My arms are getting toned which is nice. It was kind of cute the other day, when Chad tried to snuggle up beside me into my arm, and he was like "aww...Addy's cute little triceps are getting stronger!" Made me smile for sure.

I had hockey tuesday, yesterday, and today, so you can bet I'm just exhausted. I've been getting too many penalties in hockey lately, I'm really not a competitive person, so I don't understand what's wrong with me. I've just been playing alot more...physically? I guess, I'm just not really worried about getting hurt I suppose. Even though I ruined my knee yesterday, and my elbow today, ouch.

A few last things....

-I'm supposedly wanted to be a "ring girl" at Chad's next wrestling match. Still not quite sure what to think about that. I'm not a model, wtf.

-I'm going to murder Jamie Campbell-Prager and Christine Pugh. (not really, don't flag me please)

-Bought bitchin' underwear at the grocery store (yes that's right), it's awesome and camo.

-I miss Chad like crazy...havn't seen him since Sunday (well monday if him being half-asleep counts) and I have 2 more moons left to wait. I can't wait until we hit our 4 month (tetramonversairy if you want to get technical) next week.

-There are a few simple pleasures in life that just make me feel warm and happy inside. One is what I'm having right now. Mocha coffee and biscotti cookies....mmmm.

Yep...now time for a lot of homework.

Someone take these dreams away
That point me to another day
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 6:46 PM

 
Strange...

No matter how upset I am...the sound of Chad's voice can always calm me down beyond belief.

Especially when he's talking to me while eating cookies with no shirt on.

Je l'aime...beaucoup.

Sigh....
- posted by Eddie @ 9:16 PM

 
I don't like this.

I'm so so so stressed today. I can't stop thinking about everything I have to do by the end of the month. I'm so fucked up over work, school, hockey, everything. The worst is by far my worries about money, I hate thinking that I'm not going to have enough money to get me through 2 weeks.

I need another job.

I tried talking to Chad a little bit to feel better. It hurt so much because it didn't make me feel better. I just felt like I was throwing all my problems at him, making him feel bad. He has problems of his own Addy, leave him out of this. Baka.

I don't want to go to hockey practice tonight, because it's stupid and we don't do anything worthwhile. I want to go to the gym and do at least fifty situps to punish myself for eating shitty food today. I just want to go to the gym and do something worth my time. I hate how I want things but never do anything to get it.

Fuck, I'm going to go drown my pain in my dirty little food pleasure...waffles and bananas.

Inside my shell I'll wait and bleed.
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 3:05 PM

 
I have a better sex life than you.

No really.

I do.


...yep...



So now that that's out of the way....time for an amazingly boring update, considering the newest thing in my life is school! Yay!

I had my first day of semester 2 aujourd'hui. I got there, and was wondering why more people weren't in my old homeroom to pick up their timetables. It turns out that the bus were cancelled YET AGAIN today, and I had no idea. So I was slightly pissed off, considering I could've slept in with Chad this morning. Oh well, c'est la vie.

Got to my english class. I was slightly worried, because no one I knew had ever had Mrs. Jutzi, the teacher I was supposed to have. Surprisingly, I was greeted by this very (very) young looking woman. My guess is that she was at the most, 25. I guess something happened and I got a new teacher, Ms Delle'Erede was her name I think. Pretty cool considering that it's her first year teaching, easy peasy lemon squeezy for me. Another thing I thought was kind of funny was the boys' reaction to her. I would condsider this teacher to be kind of a "hottie" if you will, and my god, the boys in the class were so polite, and held onto every word she said when she was talking. I can't wait to be a young hot teacher like that.

Next class, philosophy. My...god...this is the third time I have had Mrs. Maclean, and I can't believe I forgot how fucking crazy she is. Like, I swear, ADHD is alive and kicking in her. She made a powerpoint presentation to introduce us to the class, and she would jump (yes, actually jump) when the paragraphs "flew" onto the slide. Insanity. The class itself seems pretty fun, pretty interesting. The only thing is, I think I'm going to shoot every person in the class before the semester is over. Two people in particular. Christine who sits behind me, and James, the little 16 year old who thinks he's the shit because he's in a grade 12 course. Christine is awful, just because she has a fair resemblance to a garden gnome, and feels that everyone is entitled to her opinion. James....oh man....here's an example..

Mrs Maclean: "So we'll be covering a lot of ground in this course."
James: "How about mocking Karl Marx? Will there be a lot of that? Hahahahahaha!!!"
Maclean: "...."

James: "How about existentialism? Will we learn about that?"
Maclean: "Well, um, obviously..."
James: "Well, I'm actually already quite learned in the field of existentialism. I've studied it on my own time and such. Hahaha!!"

The worst part is that he said the word "existentialism" about 6 more times in the next 20 minutes. I can't stand people who think they know fucking everything about philosophy!!! YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!! I really just want to walk up to James, look him straight in the eye and say.."I don't like you."

Went to lunch, saw some people. Saw Ian, wanted to leave.

Next class is politics. I'm a little worried about this one. We ALREADY got into a huge discussion about a whole bunch of political stuff that I have no idea what it means. Hopefully it will be a lot more definitions and note taking rather than discussion again. Good thing though, Mr Yanchus is funny, and awesome, and answers the phone in the class by saying "batcave", could be a good class after all.

Also good, my last class is 4th period, so I'm done school at 2:00, w00t.

Uh right, Chad was over this weekend too. Lots of sex and watching movies. We watched Chad's top 2 favourite movies, Transformers: The Movie, and The Crow. I have never seen Chad so giddy and overstimulated as he is when he watches those right before bed. Quite a cute sight really. I was sad that I won't get to see him now until Saturday. Things are just slightly fucked up in terms of financial situations and living arrangements, but they will be back to normal soon enough.

Last night though, I had happy tears for the first time in a long time. It felt so good to be happy enough to cry. I'm lame.

So now, because I have no homework, and nothing better to do at this time...I'm going to go sew some clothes, and maybe watch Oprah. Mmm hmm, that's right. Oprah is going to have her own religion someday.

Imperialistic house of flare
Conquistadors who took their share
They keep calling me!
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 2:38 PM

 
No posts since monday!? Je-sus.

Point form time!

-I have been working out like a "momo" as Chad would say. I am so sore, but it is so worth it. Yesterday I worked out for 2 and a half hours, and Chad was hella impressed.
-Chad has finally moved back to his mom's place. It sucks knowing that I'm not going to be able to sleep over with him in Kitchener anymore. But, as always, we'll make it work.
-Got to spend a few days over exam break to reunite the Chaddy, always fun.
-Passed both my exams and all three of my classes! YES NO MORE PHYSICS OR GELINAS!!!
-Saw the movie Ray...the way Ray Charles himself would have seen it.
-Saw a few Stephen King movies, Rose Red and Dreamcatcher....fucked up.
-Walked to Waterloo!!! IN-TENSE.

Also, this happened today. Mike from Fergus rules.

Me: "Yeah, my boyfriend really wants to get into paintball. I'm thinking of buying him a gun or something. It would make him happy."
Mike: "What kind of gun does he want?"
Me: "A pistol I think. I was thinking of getting him a USP."
Mike: "You know...I'm actually selling one."
Me: "No shit! SOLD MY FRIEND!"

Yeah, I bought Chad a gun. Why? Well, because I love him, and he deserves the best. Plus he buys me tons of gifts, and it makes me feel special. So hopefully this may help him feel special too.

So my weekend breaks down to this...
-work
-working out
-working on clothes
-basically...lots of work and no Chad

New classes on monday kids!! Are you ready? I'm not.

Here comes your man
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 9:40 PM