I felt the need to turn off my comments because people are such cunts.

It's not so much the actual negative comments that bother me. It's the fact that people don't have the balls to own up to what they say by putting their names down.

Fucking idiots.

Well, that's it.

~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 10:45 PM

 
The need for a long and insightful post has come up, as I am horribly distraught right now. I am in the midst of a problem that goes back throughout my childhood, crashing into me in a present form with the weight of a fucking freight train. It seems like this one problem is always going to be around me my whole life, and if I can manage to get myself away from it completely, my god...I will have accomplished the biggest and most meanignful goal in my life.

That problem? Addiction.

Most people would scoff at a problem like that. It sounds like something presented to a high school in another shitty powerpoint presentation, hosted by Raine Maida, featuring the music of Sum 41. Well, maybe it is, I don't know, but the way it looks to me these days, no one takes it seriously. Cartainly people my age don't take it seriously, which why I have a tendancy to hate them all. Call me bias and judgemental, but it's what I've gathered throughout my 17 years on this planet so far.

But I digress.

My problems deal mostly with addictions to substances. Drugs, alcohol, nicotine...take your pick, and I guarantee I've been there. I'm not saying that I'm special or different from anyone else with problems, I know we're all fucked up in some way, I just think that when it comes to shit like this....I know a HELL OF ALOT more than you, or anyone else I know does.

People tell me to lighten up, that they're just having fun. Drinking, smoking pot, whatever. They're not doing it all the time...just "recreationally".

Hmm, well have you ever been in the presence of 45 year old people who once did all the thins you're doing "recreationally" as you say? Have you ever walked around the homewood, seeing and talking to people who's lives have been ruined completely by doing something "recreationally"?

I have.

Basically, I'm sick and tired of people being so fucking ignorant about addiction. People always assume that is won't happen to them, that they have more control. No one seems to realize that an addiction truly can happen to anyone. It literally feel sick to my stomach these days when I see my friends drinking to excess and smoking pot. I just can't believe that they think they are invincible to the effects of these drugs.

In my home life, I've experienced more with drugs than most people will ever experience in their lives. I guess it comes from having musicians/artists as parents, free-spirits so to speak. My parents used to get drunk, smoke weed and do all sorts of drugs...right in my livingroom. I remember being maybe 6 years old, and having my entire first floor filled with smoke, and seeing my parents' friends crowding around a bong in my livingroom. I ask you....is this ok for a child to grow up with? I thought it was normal at the time. As I got older...I not only saw these people drunk and high, but I saw them when they weren't. Depressed, unemployed, sick, and generally just in horrible shape.

I guess I'm just fed up with people seeing addiction as an empty threat used to stop them from having their fun. People don't realize that it is very real. I don't think it can really sink in either until you experience it first hand. I guess walking in the door from school, and having your father tell you that he's really an alcoholic and checking into a hospital for treatment will really wake anyone up from their ignorant slumber.

The feeling I got that day was unbearable, and I had to go to work too. I would never wish anything like that on even my worst enemy.

This is all coming out now because of a situation that has just surfaced with Chad. As most of you know, he quit smoking a while ago, mostly because of me. He did pretty well for the first 4 months, but his cravings are coming back. He's getting depressed, edgy, irritable, and he's basically a wreck right now. Seeing him in a state like this is just tearing my heart out, because I know too well the horrible sting of addiction. It just destroys me inside to know that it could've been prevented.

I hate this situation, and I honestly would do anything in my power to make him better. I just hope beyond anything that this doesn't affect our relationship. Because I've seen that happen too.

Wake up.

~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 3:43 PM

 
In response to Chadly's request, I will attempt to make a decent blog. Considering I just finished writing about 5 pages for my philosophy essay, and I'm only about 3/4 done, and I'm tired and dirty, I can't guarantee it will be any good.

I thik he just misses seeing his name typed by me.

Anyhow, yesterday was Chad's birthday, and it was pretty sweetly awesome. We went to the gym (woo!!) and I killed myself hardcore and I am SO sore today. We had some really good salad lunch, and walked up to Blockbuster and rented Mario Party 5. I am starting to LOVE our Mario Party days, because not only does it get violent...it gets drunk. Funny shit.

I cooked Chad an awesome dinner, complete with mouthwatering steak, teryiaki rice with vegetables, and delicious salad. Let's not forget the AMAZING dessert I prepared as well. Chocolate-banana cake with sweet sweet frosting! Man I rule.

And during all this, we probably had about4-5 long island ice teas throughout the day as well. Yayyy. Drunken fun!

I just got out of the shower though, so I will continue my stories about my lovely, drunken, 23 year old boyfriend later.

Love love love you Chad! Muah!

~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 10:04 PM

 
This will probably only be even slightly interesting to myself.

I realized today while looking at makeup in Zellers that I have been wearing the same makeup more or less for about 4 years...maybe longer. I was a little depressed at that, considering I really like makeup, and I also really like being colourful.

I thought about ALL the makeup I have bought over the years that I havn't used. Tons of colours that I've neglected. Well, that's going to change.

From now on I will try my best to have cool and new and fun makeup. I will try to change it often, and be colourful and fun. To get myself started, and as a treat, I bought myself some nice black eyeshadow. Sexy.

Scared? I am too.

Obsessed with the beauty contest.
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 9:03 PM

 
I need to re-dye my hair.

I am out of ideas.

How unlike me....

Help?


I'm mapping out my ending.
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 3:34 PM

 
"There must be a thousand girls out there dreaming of becoming a movie star.
I'm not worried about them.
I'm dreaming the hardest." -Marilyn Monroe

Man, do I ever like that quote. I'm watching a little documentary on her right now. It's pretty awesome.

I'm not worried about people who are dreaming of becoming musicians.
Because I'm dreaming the hardest.

~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 9:43 PM

 
I spent the day trying to come up with a suitable adjective for the event I witnessed yesterday. I finally got one.

Traumatizing.

Yes.

Traumaitzing.

This will be a somewhat brief description, both because I don't know if I can really handle recounting it again, and because I'm absoloutly starving. So let's go...

Yesterday was Chad's wrestling match in Brantford. We woke up at about 9ish, and right away, Chad was in a very very bad mood. He was irritable, paranoid, and generally felt a little sketchy about everything. Funny how little things like that shouldn't be ignored huh? We left for the show, got to the show, and hung around like normal waiting for the show to start. I start hearing Chad and Geza talk about what they're going to do in the match, and from I heard, I just thought that Chad was going on the barbed wire chair, and that would be it. Well, I was wrong.

So the show gets underway, I'm doing merch and am generally pretty bored up until Chad's match. His match comes up, and I start yelling and chanting like normal. Yay fun!

Chad's match starts. A little bit of chain wrestling, they go to the outside, chairs get thrown in, so on and so on.

About 3 minutes in, Geza does a move where he shoves Chad's face down into the barbed wire chair. Chad rolls over, puts his head down, and is obviously cut open. Now, this isn't too bad, because I have seen him bleed from the head before. Right here is where is starts to get bad. Honestly, my stomach is turning and my heart is just tense as I even think about it.

I'll have to try and describe this well...

Chad is facing away from me. He's lying down with his face down. He gets on his knees so I can now see his face on the mat. He lifts his head up, and I can already see the blood pouring down off his face on to the mat. I know within about 5 seconds that something went wrong. It doesn't help either that other people working at the show are looking on with faces of worry and whispering to each other. Someone runs and gets a towel, waiting for the match to end.

By this point, it is honestly a complete bloodbath. Chad's face, hair, chest, arms and legs are literally covered in blood. His opponent is covered in blood. Everything is covered in blood. Chad told me later that he was actually slipping on the mat because of the blood everywhere.

Honestly, it was so bad. I don't think anyone could even comprehend how bad it was unless they were there. Unfortunately, I was there.

Here I am, at the merch table basically watching my boyfriend bleed to death. That's how I saw it anyway. Every time he tunred sideways, I could see the blood squirting out of his forehead. And since he's such a good actor, he made it seem like he was falling over, not able to stand properly, which obviously just adds to me worries.

The moment I remember most was when he fell over, and I immediately saw his hands go up to his face, trying to stop the bleeding. I could not handle this. I was panicking. I have never actually PANICKED before in my life, but my god, I was panicking now.

The match ended early. They had to stop it. And after they helped him out of the ring, people had to come out with mops to clean up the blood all over the mat and floor. I basically ran downstairs as fast as I could to see him. Of course by now he's ok. He even had the fucking gall to go outside and talk up his fans while he was still bleeding.

So my point here is not that Chad hurt himself terribly, it's mostly just that holy fuck, there are times when you really realize how much you NEED someone in your life. I thought I was watching my boyfriend die in front of me, or at least watching him lose enough blood to go to the hospital. The image of him, covered in blood, with the wound still squirting is going to be burned into my mind for a long time. I just hope I recover as well as he has.

Oh my god.

Traumatizing.

~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 2:34 PM